I Cry For You

2021 was certainly a year of change for our home. My word of the 2021 calendar year was breakthrough. We had a breakout, breakthrough, and multiple break downs. One might think a new house in addition to new jobs for you and your spouse would be the picture perfect breakthrough year for a family. And yes, while these were blessings…they did not come without uncertainty. 

Are we making the right choice? 

What will the future look like? 

Why am I feeling so many mixed emotions? 

If this is the right decision, why does it seem to be hitting roadblock after roadblock? 

The when, where, and what questions will drive you insane if you let them. I found myself multiple times in tears begging God to just show me what to do. I knew it was time for changes in our lives, but change was not exactly the word I envisioned for 2021. Breakthrough meant a victory, answers, and a definite path I should be walking down. Change is just ambiguous. Change is uncertain. I do not do well with uncertain. This planner needs to know A to Z with everything in between. 

It began to feel like daycare drop off days with my daughter. I load her into the car with daycare bag, milk, and breakfast in tow. We listen to her favorite song on the way (which was ironically Way Maker for months). Then, we arrive at daycare and the tears begin. I try to drop her off as quickly as possible for both of our sakes. The promise that allows me to leave is when I say, “I’ll see you at the waving window.”

First let me say that I despise the waving window. It is a window that faces the drive where your child can wave to you as you leave. I usually run over in front of the window to blow kisses while shouting I love you. I’m sure other parents see this fanfare from me, and I don’t even care. That is my crying baby at the window blowing me kisses back. Finally, I have to be the adult and walk away. Usually I end up in a puddle of tears on my short drive to work before I have to get it together. I know she will be fine when I pick her up that day except my heart shatters again when she says, “I cry for you today.” 

In my daughter’s eyes, a perfect life would be my husband and I being at home with her all day every day to just play and eat snacks. She has no idea that by us working we are able to actually provide the basic needs and some wants she has. Life is too complicated to explain to a toddler so I just have to trust right now I’m making the best decisions for her. 

I see myself in my daughter though with God. I was the one behind the window of confusion during 2021 feeling left behind. No, He literally just didn’t tell me His plan or promise me anything. Prayer and His word were all I had to hold onto. Even in the waiting, I know He was there. He was providing the breakthroughs I desperately needed in ways I could not even begin to imagine. 

I remember at one of my lowest points in 2021 going to the church alone with my husband and just laying across the alter in tears. No words could even be formed from my lips. I needed God to move in a situation, and I needed Him to move in a certain time frame. A song says “tears are a language that God understands.” How true this is! When the situation resolved, it resolved to the point that all involved made the statement it was God that did it. 

Psalm 56:9 “When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back; this I know; for God is for me.” Have you ever thought that sometimes God may just want to hear from you, “I cry for you?”